Curious Thing This Parrot Disease

It has yet to be called an epidemic. Only two thousand cases have been identified, though the Press claim the problem to be far more widespread and criminally under-reported. They blame the Government who are anxious to downplay any talk of an epidemic. After all, it is less than a year since the thing with the monkeys. The NHS are still struggling to recover. The last thing it needs is a stampede; the system simply would not cope with a stampede. Similarly, there is some confusion concerning the details of the disease: how does one contract it? What is the incubation period? Is there any sort of treatment available?

The helpline set up to deal with anxious parents and school trips recently returned from those parts of the world where Parrot Disease is rife, claims there’s no need to panic. It advocates for the usual precautionary measures: handwashing, gentle exercise, five portions of fruit and veg a day, light exposure to American sitcoms, refraining from the use of tongue when kissing a person suffering from Parrot Disease, directly upon the mouth. The incubation period is thought to be somewhere between five days and two months. As for treatment, it is difficult to prescribe anything with any degree of authority though there was that article in the Lancet suggesting one large pharmaceutical company had achieved a modicum of success by applying a poultice of toothpaste, baby spit and cocaine to the lips and gums of the afflicted. This research, the helpline volunteers stress, in their best telephone English, is still in the trial phase and should not be replicated by anyone who is not a practicing clinician or at very least, in receipt of a good grounding in BBC medical dramas.

It is much easier to speak with authority on the means by which the virus can be caught. Parrot Disease is spread aurally. Anyone unfortunate enough to listen to someone during their contagious period has a ninety five percent chance of becoming infected. The symptoms are equally obvious. Individuals suffering from Parrot Disease are inclined to repeat ad nauseum, anything which is spoken aloud in their presence. This makes it extremely easy for GPs and Practice Nurses to diagnose the illness. No swabs, scans or blood tests are necessary. If one suspects a patient to be suffering from Parrot Disease one simply has to ask, “do you find yourself repeating the same sentence over and over,” and wait to hear whether they reply, “yes,” (which is a sure sign they are one of the growing number of individuals faking Parrot Disease in order to acquire a few weeks off work), or, “do you find yourself repeating the same sentence over and over?” (which is an equally sure sign that they are genuinely infected). The problem being, all those GPs and Practice Nurses exposed to a genuine case of Parrot Disease are instantly and irrevocably infected themselves and often to be found wandering the corridors of hospitals and Health Centres repeating the phrase “do you find yourself repeating the same sentence over and over,” like fish-eyed zombies. In the last few days new government guidelines have been issued suggesting all healthcare practitioners wear ear protectors and diagnose their patients by lip reading. Many refuse to follow these guidelines, claiming they require overtime pay in order to undertake the training necessary to lip read with any level of proficiency and that they prefer not to wear ear protectors on account of the way they look daft and tend to ruin one’s hairdo.

It is not all bad news, however. There are rumours of an antidote forthcoming. It should be available next year, or possibly the year after. A group of junior research scientists operating out of the University of Salford have recently managed to trace the original strain of the virus back to its source. It is rumoured, (though not confirmed by any official Government source), that Parrot Disease originated with an unnamed male politician who represents a South London constituency. Around one month ago, this man began repeating himself  during Prime Minister’s Question Time. Subsequently the disease spread quickly throughout Westminster infecting every member of the Commons and Lords before beginning its assault upon the general public. The young researchers suggest, it took so long for the health authorities to notice we were suffering from an outbreak of Parrot Disease because the illness initially presented in politicians only. There is much speculation that a cure may lie in a better understanding of the source, or as one elderly man, sporting a pair of fetching red ear protectors, told the on the street reporter during last night’s six o’clock news, “it’s no wonder we’re in this bloody mess. Them lot have been going over the same old shite for years. It was bound to get to us all eventually, wasn’t it?”

Inspired by Agatha Christie’s 1932 novel, Peril at End House

Dropped at the Irish Writer’s Centre, Dublin on Monday 2nd March 2020