All the World Elects to Travel Tonight

I had, by this stage, amassed a tremendous fortune. I was also advanced in age, well passed the three score and ten allotted to me by the Psalmist. I had no heir, no lover, nor even an obvious relative with whom to entrust my vast fortune. The matter of what should be done with my estate was weighing heavily upon me. I might have prayed about it but I was not the praying sort, neither did I set any stock by horoscopes or any such nonsense. I consulted a man in the city. He was said to be just the chap for offering sound financial in situations like mine. “No children?” he asked. “No wife? No mistress? No living relatives?” I admitted to an estranged aunt in Devon but could not offer any other viable leads. He suggested I leave my money to a donkey sanctuary. According to him, this was quite common amongst rich ladies of a certain generation. I pointed out that I was neither a lady nor a lover of donkeys or small ponies of any kind.

The man in the city had no further suggestions so I took my predicament to the pub across the road and consumed six pints of bitter in an increasingly enthusiastic fashion. At the bottom of the sixth, it seemed sensible to petition my fellow drinkers for advice. “What should I do with my vast fortune?” I asked, standing on the bar so I might be heard at the back of the room. “Whatever tickles your fancy?” a man in a pale trilby hat shouted in response. The rest of the room seemed to agree. They were a very agreeable bunch and had been agreeing with me all afternoon, voicing their agreement wholeheartedly each time I asked if I should get another round in.

The next morning I lay in bed, perusing the papers half-heartedly. I had never before asked myself what tickled my fancy, but that morning with the hatted man’s suggestion still ringing in my ears, I spent some quiet hours pondering this very question. I came to some swift and deliberate conclusions. I was not at all interested in world domination or catwalk models. I had no time for sculpture, politics or jigsaw puzzles and as for, dancing? It left me cold; similarly conversation, charitable giving and driving recklessly in sports cars. What I wanted, if I was truly honest, was a chance to make my mark on the world, to leave something behind which would see me talked about, with something akin to familiarity, for many years to come. It took me several more mornings in bed to come up with my plan but when I finally settled upon it I threw myself into its execution. I put all my financial resources behind this endeavour and spent every waking minute planning and organising the big event. I could not afford to waste any time. I was eighty seven years old. I did not know how long I might have.

The plan was simple -based upon the most fundamental laws of physics- yet devilishly hard to pull off, for it involved engaging every living citizen on the planet in a simultaneous action. Such a feat had never been accomplished before, though I later discovered, with regret that a moment of universal laughter had once been attempted by a Texan oil baron and there was also the UN’s failed proposal to have every person on earth jump in the air at precisely the same moment in the hope that this jolt might have a positive impact upon climate change. My proposal, if anything, was simpler. I would ask every human being to walk half a mile westwards at exactly the same moment on the same evening.

I had no intention of impacting the climate, improving mental health or even raising awareness of the benefits of physical activity. I was simply curious as to what might happen if the entire earth’s population simultaneously counteracted the eastward direction of the planet’s spin. I did not really care if such a movement had a detrimental effect on the world. What did I care for the Environment with a capital E? I would be dying soon anyway. I simply wished to accomplish something of relative significance before I shuffled off.

Of course, you’ll have read the papers. You’ll know I did not achieve my humble goal. Despite spending every penny of my vast fortune on the attempt, despite hiring billboards across the world and broadcasting instructions on every radio channel, all but a few intrepid souls elected to stay in and watch television instead. In my opinion, most people are lazy buggers. Most people will never accomplish anything of note. Not me. I’m made of sterner stuff. I might not have coerced everyone in the world into traveling in the same direction on the same night, but you’ve heard of me, haven’t you? You may laugh when you hear my name but you still recognise it. Notoriety’s what I was after and notoriety’s what I’ve achieved. Mission accomplished, as they say in the movies. Mark my words, I shall die penniless with a rather satisfied smile on my face.

Inspired by Agatha Christie’s 1934 novel, Murder on the Orient Express

Posted to Jason O’Rourke, Belfast on Monday 16th March 2020