To Hum a Tune is Extremely Dangerous

Most murderers fall back on the obvious methods: guns, poison, the occasional dagger. Most murderers suffer from a deficit of imagination. So keen are they to dispose of their victims quickly, efficiently and with the minimum risk of revealing their own foul hand, they do not stop to consider the creative potential of a well-orchestrated homicide. One can murder brutally, bluntly and with no regard for the craft. Consider the morning papers. They are chock full of such pedestrian murders. Alternatively, one can take a leaf out of Clarence’s book and murder with aplomb. I think we can all agree that Clarence isn’t just a jolly successful murderer. He’s also an artiste of the highest calibre.

Clarence murders with precision. He chooses his victims carefully. They must be young, sharp of hearing and inclined to take an interest in the world around them. Clarence prefers alternative types. They’re usually more open to his methods. He often comes across this sort of victim hanging around bookstores or in the lobby of the more upmarket cinemas. Clarence has found that a solitary victims work best. They are more inclined to pass the time of day with him; more likely to stop and listen to a well-dressed stranger with a charming smile. Clarence has not yet attempted a double homicide. To murder two victims simultaneously would require a fair amount of planning. Clarence is not opposed to this idea. Give him another few months of single victims and he may well make the leap to double homicide or even mass murder. Clarence is always looking to improve his performance.

There’s a certain amount of science behind Clarence’s work. He’s done his research. He’s spent hours in the library reading books about the brain, the ear and the vocal cords. He understands the intricate relationship between the three. Before approaching his first human victim he spent many long hours honing his technique on small, unsuspecting animals. A hamster. A rabbit. A Jack Russell dog. A single curious female, bold enough to approach him as he stood by the railings which circle the penguin enclosure at the local zoo. Clarence practiced on the animals and only progressed on to humans once he was confident that a series of correctly arranged musical notes, hummed at a precise frequency, close to a victim’s ear would be enough to strike them immediately dead. Clarence is not an arrogant killer. He is more than willing to acknowledge his own learning curve. No one achieves perfection overnight. There are several half-mad rats scuttling about his basement who’ll bear witness to Clarence’s many failed experiments; also, a young lady in Brighton who can’t see anything out of her left eye.

These days Clarence never fails. He kills cleanly and neatly without even having to touch his victims. It’s almost impossible to resist his advances. He’ll begin an assault with the most innocuous remark. The time. The weather. The particularly pleasing cut of a stranger’s jacket. Only when the victim leans in to respond will he begin to exercise his vocal cords, allowing the hum to build up gradually at the base of his throat before opening his mouth and expelling it directly into the victim’s ear with all the vicious precision of a bullet. Death is almost instantaneous. There is no mess involved.

If he was the sort of killer given to flamboyant gestures, Clarence could easily pen a letter to the national newspapers explaining his methods and his reasons for killing in such a creative manner. Clarence does not understand why anyone would bother with guns or knives when the same outcome can be achieved simply by pursing ones lips and humming. Clarence’s method is clear. His motive is perhaps a little less obvious. Is he a psychopath? Does he take some sick pleasure in inflicting pain? Hardly. Clarence is an artist; a composer of sorts. His work tells a story. It creates something which did not exist before. If nothing else, it demands a response. Clarence sees himself equal to the finest contemporary painters, novelists and musicians. He just chooses to work within a rather unique genre.

Inspired by Agatha Christie’s 1936 novel, The ABC Murders