The Nephew Amusing Party

Lest you begin to think there’s only one party with any sway in this godforsaken hole of a village, let me take the opportunity to remind you about the Nephew Amusing Party. Formed at the turn of the last century, from the remnants of the Elderly Men’s Party and the No Interest in Anything But the Cricket Party, the Nephew Amusing Party is comprised of a select bunch of young men -young being a liberal term, encompassing anyone between the ages of fifteen and seventy five- all of whom are in possession of their wits, their wallets and a healthy disinterest in any subject which might be deemed Political with a capital P. The Nephews meet twice weekly in the Scout Hut by the Green where they discuss pressing matters such as the rising price of bitter, the correct manner in which to clip a cigar, the problem with women and what should be done about the problem with women. Anyone is welcome to join the Nephew Amusing Party so long as they are in possession of a viable Aunt or Uncle and an annual income exceeding twenty thousand pounds.

An average meeting of the Nephew Amusing Party can be reduced down into three distinct areas of activity. Primarily the nephews arrive. At the close of the evening, the same nephews depart. During the interim they are amused in a variety of different ways. These amusements are tailored to each nephew’s age, preoccupation and general demeanour. For example, a younger nephew might find himself amused by some trifling incidental such as a spud gun or America sitcom. Whilst, a middle-aged nephew might be more likely to take an interest in the ankles of a lovely girl, or indeed, a lovely boy. (The Nephew Amusing Party has, after all, done its best to move with the times and, at least appear to be, open-minded). Those nephews approaching later life -and let me be quick to point out they are few and far between on account of the current scarcity of very elderly aunts and uncles- are easily amused. They have been known to find an entire evening’s worth of entertainment in an item as innocuous as a toothbrush or apple core. Almost anything can be used to amuse a nephew if presented in a jovial manner alongside a tankard or two of top notch ale.

And what, you might ask, is the manifesto of the Nephew Amusing Party? None of the nephews are fit to say. They’ve long since lost interest in anything which takes place outside the walls of the Scout Hut. They’ve no intention of trying to canvas for votes or extra party members. Where would they put them? The Scout Hut’s already fit to bursting. Besides, every single nephew in the Party is a friend of a friend; stellar chaps, the lot of them. They wouldn’t want just anyone joining the Nephew Amusing Party. They wouldn’t want to upset the delicate balance between being amused and not being amused. It’s taken such a long time to get the formula right. Every so often though, one of the nephews will wonder aloud, or silently inside his own head, what he might be doing with all his free evenings if he weren’t up to his ears in being amused. It’s best to let the nephews wonder. If the party should ever learn the truth who knows what might happen. They could disband or even worse, quit spending their evenings amusing themselves and effect some sort of ordered campaign. This is the last thing the Nieces want. Whilst the Nephews are otherwise occupied, playing Hungry Hippos and eating cheese, the Nieces remain free to spend their evenings, slowly but surely, taking over the world.

Inspired by Agatha Christie’s 1930 novel, The Murder at the Vicarage

Dropped at Vilnius Book Fair, Lithuania on 22nd February 2020