Talks to Young Men on the Subject of Myself

It is a great pleasure to have been invited here this evening to present the first in this series of annual lectures. When the committee approached me with the invitation I thought long and hard about the subject I might tackle. The esteemed gentlemen have permitted me a certain degree of freedom subject wise. (Perish the thought of being afforded actual freedom). I wished to honour their trust by presenting thoughts and remarks which the audience would find truly worthwhile. After some deliberation it became abundantly clear that the young men here gathered -that is to say, you chaps- might take most encouragement and guidance from my own experiences. Whilst this will be something of a whistlestop tour, and I am fully aware of the limitations placed upon each of you by our current circumstances, I am hoping you will find lessons here applicable to your own lives, careers and -how shall I put this?- creative practices. I am therefore, pleased to announce that the subject for this year’s in-house lecture series will be yours truly.

Let me begin, by thanking you for your attendance. It’s always heartening to address a well-filled hall and though I know this is something of a captive audience, I am to understand that many of you have elected to be present when you could well be otherwise occupied: exercising, socialising or taking part in the weekly book discussion group so ably facilitated by our resident librarian. My particular thanks to you chaps. I applaud your foresight, especially you boys in the front row, with your notebooks at the ready and your pencils sharpened, (not too sharply, I imagine), poised and primed to glean everything you can from one who has gone before. And I have, indeed gone before, friends. I am significantly older than you and, I daresay, more experienced. I fully intend to use these lectures as a means of imparting everything I have learned. I am offering you the opportunity to leave this place better equipped than you were upon entry. Some of you will never progress beyond this point. A number of you will emerge, changed men, ready to leave your mark on history.

Unfortunately, my own glory days are behind me. I am an old man now, and though I’ve left an indelible mark on the world stage, I sometimes wonder if I have reached the end of my own capabilities. It is hard to imagine anything beyond here, is it not? However, there’s no point in being maudlin. I’ve never been the sort of man who likes to mope. I prefer to pass my wisdom on and see the next generation flourish. Perhaps, you boys might even outdo me. I am jealous of the lives you’ll get to lead, not to mention, all the lives you’ll get to leave your mark upon. The world is rife with opportunity these days. Believe me when I say, there has never been a better time to do what we do. Now is not the time to rest on your laurels. I note, with sadness, that many of you have grown sloppy in your practice. The ability’s there and so’s the desire; it’s the technique’s that’s letting you down. Let’s be honest, boys. You wouldn’t be here this evening if your technique was everything it could be.

Over the next few weeks I will use these lectures to cover topics like technique, planning and motivation. I’ll deliver practical guidance drawn from my own career. I’ll give you a blow by blow, (pardon the pun), account of three of my most celebrated projects. You’ll no doubt be familiar with each of these cases; they were, at the time widely covered by the Press and I believe there is even a film adaptation of the first. (Perhaps the committee could arrange a screening of this in the library some evening). I hear I am played by a bright young thing, tipped to make good at next year’s Oscars. Much as the Press made of my projects, they were never able to reveal exactly how I managed to pull them off. I fully intend to give you boys unlimited access to my case notes. It is my pleasure to do so. I’d ask that you all sign the disclaimer currently circulating. You’re more than welcome to take notes for your own use; scribble away chaps, I may never get another chance to share what I’ve learnt with such a receptive audience. However, please do respect the fact that we will be adhering to Chatham House Rules throughout. What’s said within these walls must remain within these walls. I trust we’re all in agreement? Good.

Now, if I can ask Warden Jones to remove my handcuffs, I’m going to begin with my first slide. Let me take you all back to the summer of 1968. Back in those heady days, I was a young man possessed of great charm, a full head of hair and a razor sharp knife. I was, as you can imagine, keen to put all three to good use. This seems like the perfect moment to introduce you to Susanna, my very first victim.

Inspired by a line from Agatha Christie’s 1939 novel, Murder is Easy