JanFest 2020
I have started my own festival. It is called JanFest. It is taking place this weekend, in my back yard. Here at JanFest we don’t believe in the Internet. “On Live, Not Online” is our slogan, (my best friend’s son invented this. He is doing a GNVQ in PR and Social Media so he didn’t even charge us. He said it could count towards his course work. I have put him on the JanFest board).
You’re all invited to JanFest, as long as you live in Northern Ireland or are prepared to quarantine for 14 days before and after attending. Please note that due to social distancing regulations, festival capacity is a little reduced this year though I have moved my wheelie bin to make room for a seat and I can guarantee that our one lucky audience member will have an unrestricted view of the stage.
Don’t forget to pick up your laminated pass and festival tote when signing in at the information desk. This year’s tote is exactly the same as last year’s except I’ve changed 19 to 20 with a permanent marker and added an extra plastic biro so you can take notes on all the talks. I would advise being economical with the ink as the pens were 50 for a pound from B and M and I can’t guarantee how long they’ll last. Your festival tote also contains a copy of a novel you won’t want to read, a packet of cheese flavour oatcakes, some anti-cellulite firming cream and a miniature jar of Damson jam. (Nb let our volunteer know if you are a vegan and she will hoke out the cheesy oatcakes and replace them with another pen).
A big shout out, to our wonderful sponsors, who’ve done the festival proud this year. You will find a list of all our sponsors on the final 16 pages of the programme. Don’t worry if you’ve mislaid the programme, every funder will be name-checked before the opening of every event. Let me tell you, this year’s line up is pretty impressive. No expense has been spared. We’ve ticked all the boxes for diversity; we now have a specially appointed diverse board member, (ie. not Irish), to ensure we aren’t missing anyone.
I know some of you are a little disappointed that we won’t be hosting Peggy Hughes in conversation with Kurt Vonnegut, George Saunders and Shirley Jackson as portrayed on the cover of our 2020 programme. I’m as disappointed as you. We had all four booked and excited to come then due to unforeseen circumstances, (scheduled surgical procedure), George had to cancel. The others took their lead from him. Thankfully we were able to source an exciting replacement event, (surprise, it’s me!). I think you’ll all agree that this year’s programme is our most ambitious yet.
It’s going to be me kicking off JanFest this year, followed by me talking about my creative process, (don’t miss this event. It includes slides). Before lunch, I’ll be reading from my short story collection and taking questions from the floor. If you’re thinking of contributing to the Q and A, please follow the house rules as set out in the programme. Rise before speaking, refuse to use a microphone, pompously announce your name and position, then begin all questions with the standard phrase, “it’s really more of a comment.” If we all stick to this format we can be sure one speaker will dominate the Q and A. Writers assure us this is their preferred means of audience engagement; this and being secretly recorded by amateur journalists with Iphones secreted about their person.
In the afternoon I’ll be conducting a novel writing workshop. Places are free but very limited. Sign up at the information desk. Please don’t attend unless you sincerely believe the novel is dead or only want to write short stories or have an unpublished photocopy of your work in progress you can bring along in a carrier bag and insist upon discussing at length. Please linger afterwards by the door and demand I read your manuscript.
At 5pm they’ll be a chance to hear me read from my latest book. After the reading I’ll be signing copies in the festival bookstore. The festival bookstore hasn’t actually managed to source my book, though they do have every Alexander McCall-Smith novel in existence and a lovely cardboard cut-out of Hilary Mantel. Please don’t let this stop you from queuing up for twenty five minutes to tell me how much you do not like my books.
The festival will conclude with a special gala event. This event will be very similar to all the previous events though it will cost twice as much to get in. I’ll be reading from one of my books. There will also be some old men playing guitars in the background and a complimentary glass of wine. At some point during proceedings there will be issues with the hands free mic and a generous dose of feedback when the man in the front row uses his mobile to order a taxi home.
Once the festival has concluded you will be required to fill in six separate evaluation forms, each one more complex than the last, before you are allowed to exit the venue. Claiming you do not speak English/have nothing but a broken biro on you/will fill it in later online/are a reasonably famous author, Ali Smith for example, will not be enough to get you off the hook. If you do not fill in your evaluation form, including the ‘any other comments’ section, there won’t be a JanFest next year. Shortly after, the arts will die.
As the evening winds down, we writers will retire to the author’s tent which, by this stage, will smell of damp hemp and mentholated sweets. By the limited light escaping from several strands of blinking Christmas lights we will do our best to avoid those people who are best avoided and discuss Sally Rooney for the umpteenth consecutive year and consume what’s left of the free wine and ransack all the unclaimed tote bags for anything vaguely edible. After midnight when they pitch us out into the street, tipsy and grinning and full of words, we will make plans to reconvene the following weekend at whatever festival will let us get away with this kind of wondrous carry on and call it work, and even pay us for it, and lead us to believe, though we sometimes doubt it ourselves, that this is the very best kind of life.
Sample 2020 Festival Tote Bag - Contents not pictured
